Cannabis And Me

Smoking marijuana before reading my stories has been proven to substantially improve your experience. Take a puff or two and let’s talk about the condition of the Canadian cannabis connoisseur.

Personally, I was 16 years old the first time I ever puffed the magic dragon.  Victimized by peer pressure, I vividly remember poking holes into a Coke can and transforming it into a make shift pipe. We made sure to incorporate a “shotgun” hole on the side of the can to ensure quality airflow for maximum inebriation.  We’d sprinkle our shitty brown weed into the bowl and torch it. We couldn’t worry to much about the quality, considering we got it from some kid who stole it from his stepdad. Harsh doesn’t come close to describing the feeling of the smoke racing down your throat and into your lungs. The only thing that could make it worse was coughing, which ensued immediately afterwards. Spitting and trying to catch our breath consumed the next few minutes, but after that, the effects were in full flight.

We were five teenagers standing in a circle in the woods. The forest provides the perfect cover to conceal our dirty deed. The trees sway in the wind and the circle tightens to protect the flame of our purple Bic. Everybody smokes it, we are all in this together. Although the forest was the perfect place to smoke unseen, being high-as-balls in a forest at night time is terrifying. The paranoia has the hairs on my neck standing on end. My spidey-sense is saying “let’s get the fuck out of here”.

As we near the exit of the woods, something doesn’t feel right. My feet feel heavy and I can’t figure out why. Numbness has taken over my thighs, I feel like I better sit down. The more I think about the numbness the worse it gets. What the hell is wrong with me? It suddenly hits me with 100 percent certainty. I can’t feel my ass, I’m pretty sure my ass has fallen off in the woods and I’ll never be able to find it. What am I going to tell my parents when I arrive home with no ass? Patting my buttocks frantically, I’m desperate to find my ass. My ass is gone.

Shockingly, my ass didn’t actually fall off. I was just high as fuck. Imagining a part of your body just randomly falling off is something you never forget. As terrible as that experience was, Mary J and I have been tight ever since. I’m not sure I would call myself a 420 enthusiast, but I do recognize the benefits of it.

For me, sleeping has never come easy. As long as I can remember, I’ve been walking the floors at 3 and 4 am. School nights, weekends and holidays – it made no difference. I was up at night and asleep during the day and found it very difficult to get my routine on track. After discovering cannabis, I found a tool I could use to help me catch a few zzz’s.

Alone in this discovery I am not. There are plenty of other quirks that cannabis helps to sort out. Appetite, blood pressure, and anxiety just to name a few. Most importantly, after consuming cannabis you have no more fucks to give. The stress of the day or week floats further and further away with every puff. That alone is worth its weight in gold. Although the effects of cannabis are mostly positive, the substance does have a few negatives.

Firstly, smoking cannabis is habitual no matter what your hippy uncle says. I started when I was 16 and going strong at 31. I’ve stopped periodically since my first time, but every time I did I thought about weed constantly. It may not be addictive but old habits die hard, or so they say. When I’m on a “weed cleanse” I get agitated and short with people. I notice that little things really piss me off, which reminds me why I started smoking in the first place.

Secondly, smoking weed causes you to think a lot, like really think, almost philosophize. This may be a good thing for some people, but for most it causes anxiety to get worse. It’s important to find the right type of cannabis when trying to treat anxiety.

Thirdly, the resin levels you ingest vary depending on the way you smoke it. No matter which way you choose, be prepared to be spitting up black gunk occasionally. Usually in a hot shower. Although disgusting to see or hear, it feels amazing to finally clear your chest.

Lastly, if you’re like me and trying to use cannabis for sleep getting completely chewed and passing out is never a good idea. Your dreams become completely random and insane. People you haven’t thought about In years start popping up and becoming main characters. All of a sudden, you’re following Doug from your drivers ED class around on a dragon in a quest to save the princess who is played by your kindergarten teacher. When you finally wake up, it’s pretty rough. It’s a weird weed-hangover and it takes a while to come out of.

Canada’s recent legalization of Cannabis is sure to create a few new smokers. For the newbies, welcome, I have a few helpful tips:

    • Puff, puff, pass;
    • “Pass da Dutchy pon da left-hand side;”
    • Don’t call 911 no matter how convinced you are death is coming for you. You’re just freaking out;
    • Doritos;
    • Smoke before you drink to prevent sleeping beside the toilet;
    • Bob Marley (Ya Mon);
    • Brushing your teeth feels good high; and
  • Everything feels good high

Be safe my peoples.

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