Will You Marry Me?

 

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to talk about the elephant in the room. The fly in the ointment. The hair in your burger. I’d like to talk to the happy couple about marriage and the Canadian wedding scene in general. 

 

First of all, CHA-CHING! Secondly, I think it’s important we talk about statistics in order to understand the bigger picture. I don’t want to bore you with graphs and pie charts so here’s TheDybleBible.com breakdown. 

You will start off by paying an average of $30,500.00Canadian dollars. 38 percent of you will not reach your goal of marrying a lifelong partner. Of that 38 percent, 42 percent of you will call it quits between 10 and 24 years after marriage. Most likely, the 14-year mark is when your spouse will make you sick. 
Here is where it really gets good. After the magic has dissipated and you finally get sick of your partner’s stupid face, you have to fork over half of everything you own or at least explain to a judge why you shouldn’t have to. Some people are more successful at this than others so good luck. 

So $30,500.00 minimum for a wedding plus half of what you own at the end of 14 years. When the marriage is over you will likely be devastated and develop a habit or two. Depending on the habit you choose to cope with your soul-crushing divorce, life may go on. You will spend a lot of time alone and working on yourself. You may buy a red sports car or a new set of “twins” to flaunt. You might even hit the gym and join a running club to get that “revenge bod. 

The Divorce Car

 

Confidence is king when you’re single. Your new lifestyle will start to build you up to a better version of the person you were before you got married. Your new car will provide the pride of ownership that will make you beam like a guiding light to other people. You will notice people noticing you! A feeling you haven’t felt since your high school prom. You will start to live your life again. 

 

As time goes on and life gets better, you will begin to wonder why you got married at all. You gave your best years to a person who you no longer even speak to. You appreciate the learning experience but you’re glad it’s over. You meet someone at work and fall in love. For some reason, you start saving up another 30 grand and planning all over again. 

 

Surely this is not the picture of marriage most people have before they walk down the aisle. They’re hoping for stability and love; the end of dating and failed relationships; rainbows and wild monkey sex until the cows come home. I’m afraid for some, this is not true. 

 


Never fear my young love bugs, I have a solution. A solution to avoid all of the bankruptcy and heartbreak. Ending the jealousy-driven domestic violence scenarios that play out every day across Canada. What’s the solution you ask? Well, a contract. 

We can look to a professional sports style contract for the answers we need. Instead of “will you be my partner forever no matter what?” I feel the question should ask,can I sign you as my wife for the next five years?” The options of terms for your marriage contract are endless. Literally, everything is up for negotiation from the length of the contract to the penalty for violating it. You could have an “if you get fat” clause, or a substance abuse policy.  Maybe cheating is a violation that pays-out the other person automatically. 

 

I would personally add a “go our separate ways” clause. If neither of us violates our terms and the contract is set to expire, one or both parties should be able to opt out, because they just aren’t into it anymore. People change, they fall out of love, its a fact of life. Why should anyone have to pay for that?

 

You could come up with a marriage collective bargaining agreement outlining the rights and responsibilities for both parties written and agreed upon by the parties. Imagine being able to file a grievance because your husband is too lazy to renovate the basement or take the garbage out. Writing a formal complaint because your wife has stopped “talking into the mic.” Of course, this marriage contract would work better if there were no kids involved… 

 

Personally, I would rather shit into my hands and clap with my mouth open than have to stay married to someone whom I was miserable with. Stuck because financially I can’t afford to leave or scared about what people might say. Generations before us stuck-out miserable marriages for 40 and 50 years and we have learned nothing from this. I’d rather stick-out the remaining years on my deal and opt out guilt free.


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